Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Summer, Sex, and Self-Immolation

[Warning: Not for children.]

Summer came, summer left. Like a steamy, five-minute quickie (you know what I’m talking about), the passing of summer has left me fatigued and short of breath, yet extremely gratified. Though I must apologize for the rather obscene comparison I’ve used, I won’t take it back for a Pulitzer. No other act in the world can offer such a faithful embodiment of my summer experience than a speedy act of making love. Yep, sex and summer are both hot; however, the similarity ends there.

You see, I had two things officially going on these past two months –- my OJT work and STS class. But a closer look reveals that I was actually doing three more off-the-record tasks –- taking charge of UP ACM’s bid for the ACM International Chapter Excellence Award, writing articles for SUMS+UP’s Substance and Simulacra magazine, and planning a better UP Parser for the incoming academic year. Not to mention coming up with my second blog and personal website.

I’m actually surprised I was able to survive summer without falling ill (sue me, but I say this is akin to surviving an ‘encounter’ without suffering from, uh, impotency). Yeah yeah, ‘tis good I got through with it. And I did it with style. (If you’re someone I personally know and you tell me otherwise, I’ll kick your arse.)

So that’s it, it’s over; the fat lady has sung for summer. Two months burned by the Corsarius’ blazing might. Come to think of it, it’s not just a couple of months which went by in this fleeting, blistering fashion –- it has been three years! A trifecta of mindless, drudgery-filled years in a course I simply don’t love.

I didn’t stay in my course to emerge as a world-class computer scientist; I stayed to prove myself. I stayed to prove that I can perform well in one of UP’s toughest courses. As a result, I didn’t just burn away three years of my life. I burned away the potential to become a good journalist, full-fledged writer, or historian –- these are the careers I would’ve liked to have.

In fact, I may have just burned myself.

This minute, even as my mind conjures fantastic analogies between summer and sex, I’ve realized one thing.

I’ve become Corsarius the Self-Immolator.

It’s too late to change courses now. I’m entering my final year in ComSci, I have part-time work at the CS department, I have positions in CS student organizations, I handle the CS publication, and my CS grades are pretty decent just to trash. All of these things have become too important to throw away. If I were to shift, I should’ve done it years ago. So now the only thing I can do is look back at what’s happened, go through the five stages of mourning, and then ponder my next move. A waste of time, isn’t it?

I hope you guys don’t have these same regrets. If you don’t want to have them, plan ahead. Chart your life. Place your hand upon your chest, feel what’s beating inside, and follow that same beat, that strong dub-dub-dub. It’s corny, it’s passé, it’s cliché, but follow your heart's desire.

And if you do have these regrets, come join me. Let us join forces and burn the world with our combined frustrations. Or die trying.

Till next quickie, er, summer then.


Blogger ia said...

Gee, someone sure sounds deprived!

Perhaps summer is like sex too — don't even start, I wouldn't know for sure — if you're not prepared for it fully, even with just a milligram of hesitation, you're sure to regret it.

But the thunder is too deafening, the winds too chilly, nowadays.

It's over. Practically. And I sure am glad. I've got lots of regrets too, but I don't regret ending up here.

Or should I?

6:57 PM  
Blogger Corsarius said...

Deprived? Who? *Looks around* :D

Well, I don't exactly regret ending up here..it's just that I'm really getting tired of ComSci. I know you know what I mean.

8:39 PM  
Blogger bing said...

loved the metaphor... i can't imagine if my kids (when they reach college)could survive that kind of feat you had this summer. you surely is a goal-oriented chap. (or one who just followed his heart's desire??) keep it up!

uh... are you waiting for the next summer starting now? (",)

9:40 PM  
Blogger drakulita said...

I'd like to talk about regrets but don't get me started.

My best hobby is whining.

2:45 AM  
Anonymous hera said...

dear, don't feel burned out yet. you haven't even taken the first step into the real world (or maybe just a taste of it through your ojt). if you want to do something, do it now so that you won't have regrets in the future. and i don't mean sex.

4:42 PM  
Blogger claudzki said...

hmmm..changing courses...

do you know that feeling - like, the human spirit/will is capable of anything, that it doesn't really matter what it is you do beacuse you know, one way or the other, you're capable of doing whatver you put your mind to....and the problem lies in the fact that you know you're good at what you're currently doing, but your heart's not totally in it?

yap, that's how i'm feeling :P

8:05 PM  
Blogger Corsarius said...

to bing: i'm glad you liked it. :) goal-oriented? well, kind of. i set high (and a lot of) goals for myself. but i'm learning to trim them now, for my health's sake. anyway, thanks!

btw, next summer will surely be a dreadful one -- i'll already be working by then.

10:41 PM  
Blogger Corsarius said...

to drakulita: Yes, I know. :) Maybe it's a hobby for me too...whining 'bout myself. Hehe.

to hera: thanks for the advice. i'm just bidding for the right time to enter my "frenzy mode" -- abandoning my CS subjects to write all day long, poetry, prose, and other whatnot. hay, it's actually a rare mode.

10:53 PM  
Blogger Corsarius said...

to claudzki: misery draws people together, hehe.

once, i thought of myself as a person with an extremely limited "talent-range". but when i finally 'got over the hump' in CS, i became more comfortable with my abilities.

problem is, i'm *not* comfortable being comfortable with things I don't love! heh. magulo na ata ako.

11:17 PM  
Blogger transience said...

i guess we all feel this way sometimes. but you see, there are some choices we made that seemed to be the perfect ones during the time we made them. so they probably served a purpose. if you hadn't been through the travesty that is comsci, you wouldn't have realized the passions you incubated for writing and documenting history and all sorts of cool shite like that. this is but a beginning.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous AuroraBorealis said...

"...Place your hand upon your chest, feel what’s beating inside, and follow that same beat, that strong dub-dub-dub. It’s corny, it’s passé, it’s cliché, but follow your heart's desire."

O sh*t. This I forgot to do 4 years ago. And I'm not talking about my premed course. Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Sorry. I'm talking greek again. And i'm using your blog to vent out silly stupid frustrations.

Ok. I'm going now.

BTW, can i join the club?

3:54 PM  
Blogger Corsarius said...

to transience: you made me think, dearie. you really did. i guess ComSci was and is a necessary evil. well, not that i totally abhor it, as my posts might lead some people to believe.

to auroraborealis: tragedy of tragedies. i forgot to do it 4 years ago, too. and hey, it's alright to vent out in this blog. everybody's welcome, especially you :p

yes, you can join! yey! may kasama na ako, hehe. now, if i can just find that "Immolators' Oath" lying 'round here.. :D

8:06 PM  
Blogger Ederic said...

ay, akala ko tungkol talaga sa sex. heheh. joke. :p

5:18 PM  
Blogger Corsarius said...

to ederic: sayang 'no? di kasi ako masyadong tinopak. hehe. salamat sa pagbisita :)

12:50 AM  
Blogger Sandra Lara said...

Great Blog...

9:06 AM  
Blogger Corsarius said...

to sandra lara: i belatedly read your comment. many thanks :)

11:21 PM  

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